If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
