I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
