Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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