You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
