i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
