i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
