Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
