They should really pass out barf bags in church
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
