You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
