Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
