ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
