if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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