I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
