Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Come share oat with me in your robe
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
