i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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