she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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