Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
