Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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