I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
