you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
