I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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