I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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