I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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