it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
