there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
