How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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