It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
