Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
