Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
40s are totally the cure
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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