Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
