OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
