John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
