cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
