i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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