i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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