She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
