it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Watching her eat just hurts me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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