then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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