just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
