he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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