Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
