so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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