The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
