An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
