I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Blood and glitter go together right?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
