# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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