Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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