for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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