I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
