He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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